too funny not to share!

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barr7430
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too funny not to share!

Post by barr7430 » Sun Jun 29, 2008 10:57 am

Folks, came across these when surfing for some material for rules. Too good not to share. I enjoyed all but the Air Force ones are particularly good... :lol:



"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.



"Aim towards the Enemy."
--Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher



"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
--U.S. Marine Corps



"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are


guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop




"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal



"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force Manual



"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons."
--General Douglas MacArthur




"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal




"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
--U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sergeant.



"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance



"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal




"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
--U.S. Navy Swabbie



"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth



"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal



"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay



"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."

--Anonymous Sailor



"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit



"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Your Buddies


"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
--USAF Ammo Troop



"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
--At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena AFB, Japan




"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
--Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)



"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
--USMC Fighter Pilot



"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
--From an old carrier sailor

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
--Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)



"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
--Jon McBride, astronaut


"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
--Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)



"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
--Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

--Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

One Liners

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter and therefore, unsafe."


"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.


"Never trade luck for skill."

."Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

."Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

."Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
"If you think you can, or if you think you can't, you are probably right"

Henry Ford
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Post by Bluebear » Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:17 am

Thanks for some good laughs. (My favorite was the flashlight).


-- Jeff
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Post by Liam A of E » Mon Jun 30, 2008 9:00 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

That cheered up a Monday Morning. Esp. liked the "edges of the air" one!
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Post by big-gazza » Mon Jun 30, 2008 5:48 pm

HI,
very funny.

Gazza
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Post by thinredline » Thu Jul 03, 2008 9:49 pm

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
Definately does it for me :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Post by Atheling » Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:30 pm

Excellent! A military mantra..... :D

Cheers,

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Post by Angus Konstam » Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:45 am

Barry,

My favourites are the mineseweeper and the flashlight (torch) ones. Probably the weakest is the quote by Henry Ford. Ooops...

Angus
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A little piece of historical comparison

Post by subedai » Thu Oct 16, 2008 7:03 pm

I only came across your piece about forces humour today; very funny. I found this one the other day about the comparison between various types of small arms.
It made me chuckle. Hopefully it will do the same for you.

I found it on the www.historicalwargaming.com website. I hope they don't mind that I've reproduced it here so there are the credits at both top and bottom to avoid any copyright problems.

And to keep this post from becoming just a boring news spread, I'm sharing an amusing article I read on the Modern Crossfire Yahoo Discussion group:

AK-47: It works though you have never cleaned it. Ever.
AR-15: You have $9 per ounce special non-detergent synthetic Teflon infused oil for cleaning.
Mosin-Nagant: It was last cleaned in Berlin in 1945.

AK-47: You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from inside.
AR-15: You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from 600 meters.
Mosin-Nagant: You can hit the barn from two miles away.

AK-47: Cheap mags are fun to buy.
AR-15: Cheap mags melt.
Mosin-Nagant: What's a mag?

AK-47: Your safety can be heard from 300 meters away.
AR-15 You can silently flip off the safety with your finger on the trigger.
Mosin-Nagant: What's a safety?

AK-47: Your rifle comes with a cheap nylon sling.
AR-15: Your rifle has a 9-point stealth tactical suspension system.
Mosin-Nagant: Your rifle has a dog collar.

AK: Your bayonet makes a good wire cutter.
AR-15: Your bayonet is actually a pretty good steak knife.
Mosin-Nagant: Your bayonet is longer than your leg.

AK-47: You can put a .30" - through 12" of oak.
AR-15: You can put one - in a paper target at 100 meters with 10 rounds.
Mosin-Nagant: You knock down everyone else's target with the shockwave of your bullet going downrange.

AK-47: When out of ammo, your rifle will nominally pass as a club.
AR-15: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a great wiffle bat.
Mosin-Nagant: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a supreme war club, pike, boat oar, tent pole, or firewood.

AK-47: Recoil is manageable, even fun.
AR-15: What's a recoil?
Mosin-Nagant: Recoil is often used to fix shoulders dislocated by the previous shot.

AK-47: Your sight adjustment goes to 10, and you've never bothered moving it.
AR-15: Your sight adjustment is incremented in fractions of minute of angle.
Mosin-Nagant: Your sight adjustment goes to 2000 meters, and you've actually tried it.

AK-47: Your rifle can be used by any two-bit nation's most illiterate conscripts to fight elite forces worldwide.
AR-15: Your rifle is used by elite forces worldwide to fight two-bit nations' most illiterate conscripts.
Mosin-Nagant: Your rifle has fought against itself - and won everytime.

AK-47: Your rifle won some revolutions.
AR-15: Your rifle drove Saddam out of Kuwait.
Mosin-Nagant: Your rifle won a pole vault event.

AK-47: You paid $330.
AR-15: You paid $900.
Mosin-Nagant: You paid $59.95.

AK-47: You buy cheap ammo by the case.
AR-15: You lovingly reload precision crafted rounds one by one.
Mosin-Nagant: You dig your ammo out of a farmer's field in Ukraine and it works just fine.

AK-47: You can intimidate your foe with the bayonet mounted.
AR-15: Your foes laugh when you mount your bayonet.
Mosin-Nagant: You can bayonet your foe on the other side of the stream without leaving the comfort of your -.

AK-47: Any fool can be taught to field strip it.
AR-15: Anyone with an IQ over 160 can be taught to field strip it.
Mosin-Nagant: What's field stripping?

AK-47: Service life, 50 years.
AR-15: Service life, 40 years.
Mosin-Nagant: Service life, 101 years, and counting.

AK-47: It's easier to buy a new rifle when you want to change cartridge sizes.
AR-15: You can change cartridge sizes with the push of a couple of pins and a new upper.
Mosin-Nagant: You believe no real man would dare risk the ridicule of his friends by suggesting there is anything but 7.62x54 R.

AK-47: You can repair your rifle with a big hammer and a swift kick.
AR-15: You can repair your rifle by taking it to a certified gunsmith, if it's under
warranty!
Mosin-Nagant: If your rifle breaks, you pick up another one.

AK-47: You consider it a badge of honor when you get your handguards burst into flames.
AR-15: You consider it a badge of honor when you shoot a sub-MOA 5 shot group.
Mosin-Nagant: You consider it a badge of honor when you cycle 5 rounds without the aid of a 2x4.

AK-47: You can accessorize you rifle with a new muzzle brake or a nice stock set.
AR-15: Your rifle's accessories are eight times more valuable than your rifle.
Mosin-Nagant: Your rifle's accessory is a small tin can with a funny lid, but it's buried under an apartment building somewhere in Budapest.

AK-47: Your rifle's finish is varnish and paint.
AR-15: Your rifle's finish is Teflon and high-tech polymers.
Mosin-Nagant: Your rifle's finish is low-grade shellac, cosmoline, and Olga's toe nail polish.

AK-47: After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for a stiff shot of vodka.
AR-15: After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for hot dogs and apple pie.
Mosin-Nagant: After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for shishkabob.

AK-47: After a long day the range, you relax by watching Red Dawn.
AR-15: After a long day at the range, you relax by watching Black Hawk Down.
Mosin-Nagant: After a long day at the range, you relax by visiting the chiropractor.

AK-47: Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to hold your rifle over your head and shout "Wolverines!"
AR-15: Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to clear your house, slicing the pie from room to room.
Mosin-Nagant: Late at night, you sometimes have to fight the urge to dig a fighting trench in the yard to sleep in.

AK-47: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Mikhail Kalashnikov.
AR-15: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Eugene Stoner.
Mosin-Nagant: Are there even photographs of Sergi Ivanovich Mosin and Leon Nagant?

A link to the Modern Crossfire Yahoo Discussion group:

http://games.groups.yahoo.com/group/moderncrossfire/
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Post by barr7430 » Thu Oct 16, 2008 9:39 pm

YES VERY GOOD :lol:
"If you think you can, or if you think you can't, you are probably right"

Henry Ford
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